I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
