I'm sorry my penis didn't work
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
only you would photoshop your dick
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
