broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
