Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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