so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize