The best revenge is premature balding
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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