I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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