never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
