Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
