last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
