I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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