I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
