God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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