if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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