don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
