Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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