Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
