he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
