If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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