so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
