My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
