What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
