two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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