I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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