Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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