I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm too high and old for this...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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