Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize