You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize