So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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