wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
