I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
