Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
