Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize