this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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