Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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