Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
