Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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