I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
