I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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