You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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