new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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