A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's great music for shaving your balls
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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