I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
