yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
