my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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