i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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