You really coming over, don't trick.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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