i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
