I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
