Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
