I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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