im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
