dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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