Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
