I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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