so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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