a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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