Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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