Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
