Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
