we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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