I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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