I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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